Saturday, November 15, 2008
Much as Mac used to think “I’m pretty and my parents love me” and that was enough to get her through anything, I used to think “I’m smart and I’m strong” and I can survive no matter how bad things get. I placed my priorities on productivity, evolution and success. I had to be constantly learning, doing, working. My sense of self was predicated upon what I managed to accomplish each day. I come from a family of overachievers.
Then something came along that shifted my reality, and destroyed my paradigm. Illness, at it’s central nervous system worst, made me not only physically weak but severely impaired my cognitive function. At the bottom of the abyss, when everything you’ve based your sense of self on is stripped away, what’s left? How do you value yourself? How do you go on?
My mom says the universe never gives you more than you can handle and every trial has a greater gift if you hold still long enough to learn it. There aren’t many pictures of me before Lyme. I didn’t hold still much. There are thousands after Lyme.
What’s the point of this absurdly personal meandering?
Some of you, dear, amazing, remarkable readers, did something that was a punch to my heart in the very best of ways: a group of you made a donation to the Lyme Disease Foundation in my name for my birthday this year!
I no longer think I’m smart and I’m strong, and that’s enough. I think “I’m alive, I’m loved and I love.” I had to be kicked flat on my back, forced to hold still, to learn that lesson.
What a birthday gift! To give of your hard-earned money (especially in this economy!) to the illness that leveled me, for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were inspired to give to others. There's a line in an upcoming song we plan to release (it's his best so far yet, btw) that says "I can't save all of you, but I'll take your hand, if you take your neighbors" and I feel like that's what you did for me. I’m honored and awed and love you guys!
Posted by Karen Marie at 8:41 AM